Hi!
I recently had the opportunity to speak with Liv Lombardi on their podcast—My Gay Playlist, Stories From Outside the Closet. After it was released, a few new queers reached out to me about my process of coming out and how I worked through some of the insecurities that came with being newly open about my sexuality. So, I’d figured I’d share some of that here!
The biggest part of coming out for me was taking control of my sexual desire and educating myself about what makes me feel good. What do I like, what makes me happy? If you’re like me and grew up in the early ‘00’s (or even earlier) you never heard about consent in high school or about pleasure or joy when it comes to being intimate with someone else. I literally just learned how to put a condom on a banana. So, when I decided to openly start dating women, I knew I needed to first date myself.
I was both characters in this meme:
And so, like the true nerd I am, I started by reading and studying.
*This list is focused on tools that helped me as a cis-gendered woman. But I’d strongly recommend these books etc… if you’re intimate with a cis-gendered woman.
Here’s some of what helped me along the way:
1. Ohmygodyes: First of all, I will acknowledge that this is primarily for cis-gendered women. And yes, I will admit that I subscribed to this because of Emma Watson. Sorry not sorry. But I will say that Ohmygodyes was revolutionary for me personally and it radically changed my relationship to my body.
2. Come As You Are: you’re perfect! You’re normal! You’re beautiful. Dear god please read this book!
3. Ask a Queer Chick: This book was my bible lol.
4. Attached: Once I started having relationships where I showed up as myself and became truly vulnerable for the first time…shit hit the fan! Turns out, vulnerability is hard! And it turns out that the way we were raised can have long-lasting consequences in the ways we show up in relationships. This book and therapy did wonders for helping me accept myself—in all my messy beauty.
5. The Ethical Slut: for a long time I thought jealousy in relationships meant you were wanted and desired. But guess what? It’s actually incredibly toxic. This book was instrumental in helping me work through some misogynistic possessiveness I’ve internalized.
The conclusion I came to after all this research? I’m unique, complicated and beautiful and whatever the mess I am, I’m mine.
In honor of Pride, I’ve compiled a list of the best queer writing I’ve read recently:
Mega-City Redux by Alyse Knorr: I’ve had this book on my desk since I first read it and I continue to return to its pages. It oscillates between a playful road trip narrative (Xena Warrior Princess, Buffy and Dana Scully and an unnamed narrator go on an adventure) and a profound story about our hunger for safety, our longing for love and a world in which our love is visible.
The Cancer Journals by Audre Lorde: A friend loaned me this book and it shattered me. “Long before narratives explored the silences around illness and women’s pain, Lorde questioned the rules of conformity for women’s body images and supported the need to confront physical loss not hidden by prosthesis. Living as a “black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet,” Lorde heals and re-envisions herself on her own terms and offers her voice, grief, resistance, and courage to those dealing with their own diagnosis.”
Split Tooth by Tanya Tagaq: This book was interesting—I’m still not sure how I feel about it except that I’m still thinking about it days after finishing the final page.
The Dream of a Common Language by Adrienne Rich: Does the fact that I just read Adrienne Rich make me a bad lesbian or a bad poet? Don’t make the same mistake—this book will change your life—don’t wait! Read it now!
A Natural History of Transition by Callum Angus: I loved this book so much. The back cover says it better than I could, “A Natural History of Transitionis a collection of short stories that disrupts the notion that trans people can only have one transformation. Like the landscape studied over eons, change does not have an expiration date for these trans characters, who grow as tall as buildings, turn into mountains, unravel hometown mysteries, and give birth to cocoons. Portland-based author Callum Angus infuses his work with a mix of alternative history, horror, and a reality heavily dosed with magic.”