When Darcy Met Lizzy: Some backstory
You might think I’m exaggerating when I tell you that I think one of the reasons it took me so long to come out was Mr. Darcy. I was raised on the BBC miniseries Pride and Prejudice with Jennifer Ehle and Colin Firth. My father gifted my mother, an ardent Austen fan, the VHS set for her birthday in 1997. I was seven years old. From then on, whenever my sister or I were sick and we stayed home from school, we’d all curl up on the couch and watch six hours of Regency England. Seven years old is probably a little young to be indoctrinated into the world of romantic comedies (the enemies-to-lovers trope in literally every romantic comedy ever made was started by P&P), but I could not get enough! There was something about Mr. Darcy that captivated me. I loved the way he stared at Elizabeth with such ferocious intensity. I loved his brooding, unsociable manners. I loved how, over time, he grew warm and tender and let his real self shine through.
When Joe Wright’s Pride and Prejudice was released in 2005, my friends Daria, Joanna, Xiao, and I went to see it on opening night at the local theater. The next day, I went to see the movie with my Mom. I then went to see the movie on my own six different times! I was fifteen years old, didn’t have a car, and I’d walk to the Esquire to see the movie. I loved the tension between Darcy and Lizzy. That hand flex, am I right?
But growing up, my family and I didn’t just watch Pride and Prejudice. We watched Emma, Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park, and Persuasion. And we didn’t just watch these films when we were sick. On Sunday evenings, drinking our root beer, huddled on the blue corduroy couch watching Austen, my mom, my sister, and I all sought something we desperately needed. We each saw a dream that filled a hole in us. I learned to watch movies through my mom’s eyes. Yes, these films were about love—but to me, they were something more. When I watched Mr. Darcy declare his love for Elizabeth Bennet despite her “lack of connections” and dysfunctional family, I saw someone willing to look at a person’s trauma and love them anyway. In Sense and Sensibility, I saw that Elinor’s constant insistence on being good and strong prevented her from being vulnerable and that Marianne’s desire for romance and passion blinded her to real life. These movies made me feel seen; I saw myself in Elizabeth, trying to prove herself in a world of people who didn’t understand her. I saw myself in Elinor, protecting the happiness of others before her own and refusing to follow her own dreams until she broke.
I grew up wanting love! But I didn’t just want love! I wanted Mr. Darcy’s love! This was confusing because even though Colin Firth is, of course, a major babe, he’s not my type.
But there was something in this story that made me feel like it was possible to change! That we really could become more patient, loving, tender versions of ourselves. We really could leave our prejudices and pride behind and see one another for the flawed, complicated humans we are! Dear god, how badly I wanted to believe I could change for the better! That I could change for good!
How When Darcy Met Lizzy all started
So, a few years ago, I started telling everyone that I wanted to adapt Pride and Prejudice but make Mr. Darcy a woman. And everyone kept saying, that doesn’t make any sense! Women couldn’t own land or property! It’s not true to the history! And I kept saying, I don’t care! I want it! But I think a part of me, the part of me that is definitely not like Elizabeth Bennet, really wanted people to approve of my idea and think it was interesting and that I was smart and a super genius. And, since that wasn’t the response I got for my idea, I decided that I wouldn’t write it. At least, this is the excuse I gave myself at the time. When, in all honestly, it’s probably that I didn’t believe in my idea and I didn’t think this book had any value in the world. Why does believing in yourself seem like a herculean effort?!?!?
Then, in January of 2021, I had a massive emergency surgery, and I couldn’t leave my bed for weeks. I was in a lot of pain and pretty existentially depressed. A friend recommended I watch Bridgerton. I initially scoffed at the idea because I thought it was going to make a mockery of the world I loved so much. Boy, was I wrong.
I loved it! I immediately decided two things:
I needed a Regency-era suit jacket so I could look just like Simon. (This is being made as we speak by a beautiful and talented human, Bailey Raynor. Thanks Bailey!)
Fuck history! Let’s dream up a world—a past, present, and future—where we belong!
While all this was percolating in my mind, I was writing a hybrid memoir-novel about my father’s death from his addiction. I was submitting it to agents and publishers and getting a lot of great feedback and then requests to edit this and refine that. Over time, the process of submitting and writing had become incredibly depressing. I was not only getting rejected after getting my hopes up, but I was also losing sight of what made the book special to me in the first place. I spent so much time trying to make my book appeal to various tastes and desires that it stopped being my book and became just an amorphous blob. And writing was not fun anymore. I didn’t get any joy from it. I avoided writing.
So, last October, I decided to finally write Gay Pride and Prejudice. Not for anyone else, but as an exercise. Could I make writing fun again? Could I go to my desk every day feeling joyful and alive? And the answer was: Hell Yes!
I had SO MUCH FUN writing Gay Pride and Prejudice. Not only have I seen the BBC production and the Joe Wright production more times than any sane person would admit to, but I’ve also read the book more times than I’d like to admit to. I feel so close to Darcy and Lizzy and it was so fun to bring them to life with my own imagination.
p.s. AI made this :) I will pay a real human to make something soon.
The decision to self-publish When Darcy Met Lizzy
I briefly considered printing off Gay P and P, putting it in a drawer, and closing that chapter forever. But I really wanted to share it with the world! And I wanted to share it my way (yes, I am a self-aware control freak).
I wanted to write Pride and Prejudice exactly like the Pride and Prejudice I had grown up loving. If this was a movie or a TV show, it would be considered an adaptation, and it would be much easier to do. But as a book, the fact that When Darcy Met Lizzy so closely follows the traditional plot is a deterrent for publishers. I am technically allowed to do this because Austen is in the public domain, but it’s not something books do. I wanted to keep the plot pretty much exactly the same. I wanted to keep the lines I love so much: you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you, and my good opinion, once lost, is lost forever. I wanted to give little Sammie, glued to the TV in her grandmother’s living room, the gay romance she deserved!
So, because this book is basically glorified fan fiction, and I want to keep it that way, I couldn’t really pursue traditional publishing avenues.
But, I thought, what if there’s a little baby gay inside someone else out there, a little baby gay who wants a gay Mr. Darcy as much as I did? If that baby gay is you, this book is for you!
Or maybe you’re not gay; you're just a female-identified person who wants to a different world where you’re not beholden to the patriarchy, and you can be free. If that female-identified person is you, this book is for you, too ❤️
Or, maybe you’re just someone who just wants to read a story about two people who fall in love despite their initial judgments and prejudices, and you want to add some extra spiciness to your life. Then, this book is also for you 🥵
But, more than anything, I just want to bring a little joy to this otherwise pretty dark and depressing world. I want fun! I want playfulness! I want to take the traditional world and turn it upside down! LETS BREAK DOWN WALLS. Even if just in our imagination :)
I could just release this book as an e-book and be done with it and maybe it’s the perfectionist Virgo in me, but I feel like anything that’s done should be done well. So I want to make a beautiful book you can hold in your hand! I want an audiobook version (because who are we kidding? No one really reads anymore anyway), and I want to do it all really, really well.
But that’s expensive! I need to print the hardback copies; I need to pay an editor, I need to pay the recording studio, the actor, etc.… Also, I have to pay taxes on anything I raise through Kickstarter. So, I have to raise 30% more than what I actually need (I really wish I could channel my inner Maggie Gyllenhaal).
In other words, publishing When Darcy Met Lizzy on my own is all really, really expensive. So, I need some help making my dreams come true.
Too soon for a political meme 😬?
Before you contribute, here are some things you should know (I am looking at you, my mom’s friends!):
This book is NSFW! It’s pretty spicy. I’d like to say that it’s tasteful, but it’s not a “closed door” book, if you know what I mean 🙈 This book is definitely Sapphic Romance with an erotic twist.
When Darcy Met Lizzy takes place in a speculative world where women can be gentlemen, gender is fluid, and ladies and non-binary folk get it on. If this content bothers you, you’re probably signed up for the wrong newsletter.
This book is for fun! It is for joy! It’s just meant for all you Austen gay nerds out there who are tired and just want to curl up with some comfort food. I am not reinventing the wheel here. I am just trying to put a smile on your face.
If you choose to contribute, please know I don’t take you for granted! It still boggles my mind whenever anyone reads an essay or a poem of mine. I feel so lucky and grateful that, given a world of choices for what to do with your time, anyone would choose to spend time with my work.
If you can’t contribute but like the idea, please share it with all of your rich, gay aunts! If you don’t have any rich gay aunts, share it through the interwebs?
I love you all so much. Keep your head up! Bring love to the world, if you can <3
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